The Problem With Taking It Personally

“Hey Jess! Your epidermis is showing!” There is only one predictable response to this statement and that is a deer in headlights look and a “WTF” type of statement. If you do not know what your epidermis is, it is the correct medical jargon for your skin. The first time someone pulled this on me, I freaked out because I thought something really inappropriate was showing. I also became instantly embarrassed to learn that your epidermis showing is completely normal. A simple statement such as this caused embarrassment and shame, because someone made me look like a fool. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it was to me. My heart said “Ouch, why do people have to say stupid crap like this?” Then I stewed on this for an inappropriate amount of time. The reason? My ego’s epidermis is very thin - I was not born with thick skin. Any feedback, good or bad, goes straight to the center of my being and hits me personally.

In the workplace setting, we dread the word “feedback” as it feels like a personal attack on our character and the endless hours of our lives that we dump into our work. Even if the feedback is done well, a person still might spiral in their anxiety because it was a jab at their identity. At this point, someone trying to help them realize that they should not spiral out of control over it may say “It’s just feedback. Don’t take it personally.”

Yet, how can you not? Telling someone to not take feedback personally is the equivalent of telling someone that they are no longer able to cheer for their favorite sports team. Perhaps it is a special project that you spent hours working on or an idea that was close to your heart that was shot down in a blaze of glory. It all matters. Our work is a part of our identity and self-worth, we spend years becoming subject matter experts, working long hours and making sacrifices for career growth and promotional opportunities. On the flip side, what if you get really good feedback? Should you not take that personally either? That is ridiculous. When you receive positive feedback, take a moment to take it personally and reflect on your hard work, knowledge gained and dedication that led to that moment. As a word of caution, there is a difference between taking it personally and feeding your ego. Your ego may prevent your future self from properly receiving feedback.

In your career, whether you have just started or you are close to retirement, you should be able to recall at least one instance of poorly delivered feedback. When I was a few years out of college and not using my English degree, I was selected for a major department store’s associate to management program. This program consisted of six half day courses with the premise that you would be ready for promotion after your graduation. Thrilled to grow in my career and to be honest, make more money, I was overjoyed to become a part of this program. When the day came for the first class, we were told that we would be graded on our performance in class. Meaning, the more you participated, how well you participated and engaged with others, the higher your grade. I don’t remember my report card and only some lessons from the course, but I do remember after one class I was given a “B” and told that I was trying too hard. This was given with very little explanation as to why and no constructive feedback was provided. It was devastating and damaging to my core. Because of this feedback, I didn’t know how I was expected to change? Was I supposed to just be quiet in class? Was I not supposed to participate? When was the appropriate time to speak up? While I didn’t quit the program, I was certainly glad when it was over. The main reason was that the low quality feedback provided, coupled with the disinterest in getting to know me as a person, my strengths and areas of opportunity, caused great damage to how I accepted feedback for many years to come.

Flip the script to 20 years later, and in my current role, I feel valued, safe and respected for my opinion. The road to get to this point was not easy psychologically and there were many bumps and crying sessions that led me to where I am. The common thread was that over my career, I did not settle in a job where I was not valued, heard, and respected. This is now my ego speaking. It's not that I believe I was better than others, but I felt that my value as an employee rested on my boss’s ability to deliver clear, kind and constructive feedback and to be asked for my feedback in return. Now, when I mess up, it hurts in a different way. I welcome the feedback provided because my work is a part of my self worth and my work reflects upon my organization and the people that I am privileged to serve. The feedback hurts because I do not want to let anyone down and comes from a place of great care and concern. I have had feedback provided that was so slick on the delivery I didn’t even realize it was happening. A former Chief Human Resources officer once pulled me into her office to discuss a recent investigation I had completed. She did not jump immediately to discussing my error, instead, she asked thoughtful questions, kept her tone even and then eloquently delivered where I had missed the mark. I left her office feeling uplifted even though I knew I made a mistake.

“When feedback is done correctly, it can lift someone up and drive change in performance.”

I left her office with new energy, wanting to continue to improve my practice and show that I took everything she said to heart. When feedback is done correctly, it can lift someone up and drive change in performance.

At the heart and soul of TILI² lies radical vulnerability and accountability. Our mission is to ensure that we “tell it like it is” in order to break down barriers of false niceties and ingenuine human interactions. Our organization’s epidermis does not hide what we believe. We want to provide individuals and leaders with an opportunity to grow into their vulnerable self so they can be accountable for their actions and help others understand the impact of theirs. The only path to authentic leadership is through being vulnerable and accountable - by doing so you put yourself in charge of your career’s success. It also puts your humanity on display.

“The only path to authentic leadership is through being vulnerable and accountable — by doing so you put yourself in charge of your career’s success.”

Chances are that you will see your employees let their guard down and show you their humanity through being their own authentic self. How do you get your employees to show you their humanity? First, establish a relationship with your employee, it is just as important to know how they want to receive feedback as it is to know their favorite candy or sports team. It's also incredibly important to establish trust in this relationship - this starts with doing what you say you will do and giving them feedback both good and constructive in a timely manner. I will rant for hours on the worthless one time per year performance review but will spare you. Set the expectation early on that you will not skirt around feedback. As Shari Harli describes in her book, How to Say Anything to Anyone, the first step to any professional conversation starts at the beginning, finding out how THEY want to receive the feedback. While it seems rudimentary at first, when was the last time someone asked you or a direct report about your communication preferences? Further, when was the last time someone remembered your preferences?

There are so many ways that we as humans can mess up at work but it should never be the end of the world. What if your employee really did make a mistake that needed to be brought to your attention? Have you established your humanity to create an environment where if a mistake happens that they will not hide under their desk or immediately start packing up their office? In humanity there is empathy; when feedback is delivered with anger, it is met with despair.

“In humanity there is empathy; when feedback is delivered with anger, it is met with despair.”

A dictator is happy to point out everything that went wrong and how that person failed. A true leader seeks to understand and walks with the employee in their shoes to determine what happened, how to fix it and how to ensure it doesn't happen in the future. So what if you are the employee who just received an earful from an angry boss? It is incredibly unfortunate that they yelled at you and made you feel like dirt. But what can you do? Take the feedback and say “thank you.”

Lucky are those who take feedback and don’t let it stew in the crockpot inside their head. When receiving feedback, I have learned to take the meat and veggies and leave the broth that only makes the carrots soggier. When my business partner and best friend catches me stewing he politely asks, “what is in your control?” It is a simple yet powerful question that reminds me to think about what is really in my control and helps me to determine the best path forward. Focusing on what is in your control demonstrates accountability. A lack of feedback, both good and constructive, denies a person the ability to take accountability for their mistakes and achievements. At the core of humanity, we are survivors, if we never failed while learning to hunt, fish, and farm, we would be extinct. Thin or thick skin, rock solid or fragile ego, all employees deserve an opportunity to learn and grow in a safe environment. I will never grow a thick skin when it comes to feedback and at least I know that now. To my 24-year-old self in the associate to management program, you made it, you learned how to take the poorly delivered feedback with the good to build a strong career founded on empathy, humanity and accountability. Remember feedback is a gift, and the only difference is, when you don’t like the gift, it cannot be returned. Be intentional about the gift of feedback so that when it is received the message does not get lost in delivery.